10 Funny Ways to Kill a (Fictional) Character

Do you enjoy cozy mysteries where the author finds unique, even funny, ways to do away with a character? I do. One of my favorite authors is Kathleen Ernst. She writes the Chloe Ellefson mystery series. Chloe is a curator at Old World Wisconsin, an outdoor living history museum. She finds dead characters in the most unusual places. I won’t give them away. If you enjoy cozy mysteries give the Chloe series a try.

When you combine an unusual death (minus the gore), an amateur sleuth, and a community of quirky characters, you can create a cozy mystery readers love.

What are some humorous ways to kill off a character? Here are a few ideas:

• A star football player is murdered by an imposter wearing his team’s mascot costume.

• Small-town mayor dies when a clown on a motorcycle runs over him during the town’s Founder’s Day parade.

• A futuristic character is approached by a robot shooting paper airplanes–but one of the airplanes is loaded!

• Farmer gets locked in the hen house and is pecked to death by rabid chickens.

• A drunk passes out in a big pile of leaves curbside and is scooped into a garbage truck.

• Candymaker, working overtime and alone, drowns in a vat of chocolate.

• Contestant dies after consuming 10 pounds of baked beans in an eating contest. (Oh, the possibilities!)

• Grammarian is crushed when a shelf of dictionaries falls on her.

• A fisherman on a riverbank is killed when an eagle carrying a tortoise drops the tortoise on the fisherman’s head. (Don’t laugh, this really happened to Aeschylus, the great Athenian author of tragedies.)

• A large molasses storage tank bursts, and a wave of molasses rushes through the streets killing anyone in its path. (This actually happened in Boston in 1919.)

If you are an author stuck looking for a unique way to kill off a character, Wikipedia offers a list of “real” unusual/ ironic deaths that occurred from 620 BC to the present. Also, check out Springhole.net’s “Cause of Death” generator, “Murder Mystery Victim” generator, and more.

Happy writing!

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The Best Stories You Never Told

WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE and WHY: five essential questions writers ask to get the full scope of a story. Like most kids, I learned about the 5W’s in elementary school. I wish I had the wisdom back then to apply them, because I missed out on some really great stories.

I was an only child surrounded by old people—grandparents, great-aunts and great-uncles, neighbors, family friends. They loved to gossip, and I was good at eavesdropping on their adult conversations.

I found out WHO in the neighborhood had come home drunk and WHAT happened when his wife caught him with another woman, WHEN she caught him and WHERE. And I wondered along with the gossipers WHY she stayed with that drunken man after he cheated on her. Those were the stories that my little ears shouldn’t have heard. The best stories, though, might have been those the old people held tightly locked in their hearts.

This season, summer, is the season of patriotic holidays, and I might have some good stories to tell had I thought to apply the 5W’s.

On a Decoration Day (Memorial Day) I went with my grandma to the cemetery to plant geraniums on the graves. We planted red geraniums in front of the big Dumke family stone, and then we planted a white geranium on each of the six graves where the Dumke children were buried. “Grandma,” I asked, “why do we put white geraniums on these?” Her answer was brief, almost harsh. “Because, it’s what we do.” Today, I look at that same headstone and the six smaller stones marking the graves of grandma’s young siblings and I have questions. So many questions.

On Independence Day, Grandma always hung a huge American flag between the front window of her upper flat and the big, old oak tree at the curb. Her husband, my grandfather, had died when Grandma was just thirty-nine. But someone (Grandpa?) had fixed a rope and pulley to make it easy to hang the flag. It was a 48-star flag, the flag soldiers and sailors fought for in WWII. It was a 48-star flag that the Marines raised over Iwo Jima. I remember that flag in front of her house every Fourth of July and how reverent and respectful grandma was when she fixed it onto the rope and sent it flying. Today, I have questions.

I remember my Great-Uncle Walter, too. He was an always-in-charge, short, bald little man who walked with a distinct limp. I laugh when I think of a Veteran’s Day when he sat in an old, 1950’s upholstered swivel rocking chair in his living room telling a battle story about the Spanish American War. As if re-enacting the experience he raised his arms, covered his head with his hands and ducked. “Bullets were flying to the right of me! Bullets to the left . . .” And then, just as the story was getting really good, the bottom of the swivel rocker gave way sending Walter’s backside to the floor. That, in itself, is a story. But still, I wonder. WHO was shooting those bullets? WHAT happened next? WHEN did it happen and WHERE? And WHY did Walter walk with a limp.

Five little questions I wish I had asked.

My advice to young writers, all writers, is to listen. Listen to that little voice inside that’s telling you, “There’s a story hidden here.” Then apply the 5W’s. Ask and keep asking until you get the full scope of the story.

If you don’t ask, you might miss writing the best stories you could have told.

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5 Reasons Writers Quit

Remember when you were filled with a passion to write? You carried a notepad, jotting down the plethora of ideas swirling around in your head. You couldn’t wait to sit down in front of your computer and start putting words on paper. You dreamed of finishing that first novel, getting published, reading rave reviews . . . and then, one day, you quit. Why?

Writing Is Harder Than I Thought It Would Be.

Gathering ideas is the fun part. The story is in your head. You’ve created characters that are so real you talk with them (Admit it. You do.) But when you start to write those characters misbehave and you can’t tame them. Your plot goes in an entirely different direction than you’d planned. Your outline, if you had one, is a mess. You write a thousand words, rearrange paragraphs and rearrange them again and they’re still not right. A little voice in your head whispers, “This is hard, maybe too hard. Maybe I’m not good enough. Maybe I should set it aside for a little while and come back to it.” And if you listen to all those maybes, maybe you’ll quit.

It Has to Be Perfect.

You’ve written a thousand words, but as you wrote you edited yourself, second guessing every word. Is this sentence grammatically correct? Should I have used a better word here? Should I use an em dash or maybe an ellipsis at the end of this sentence? Perfection never occurs on a first draft, or the second, or third and likely—never. If you strive to be perfect, you’ll give yourself the perfect reason to quit. Author Margaret Atwood said, “If I waited for perfection, I would never write a word.”

I Should Be Published by Now.

You got through the hard part. Your novel is finished, and now you’re trying to find an agent and a publisher. You’ve done all the homework, targeted agents, written query letters, followed up, and still you haven’t connected with someone willing to get your book in front of publishers. This is where many writers give up. Self-doubt kicks in. That voice in your head speaks a little louder this time, “Maybe I’m not good enough.” Patience is key. It takes time to sell a book. Before you quit seek advice. Connect with a published author or someone who teaches writing. Get a critique. See if maybe you can improve your query letter and/or your manuscript to make your book more marketable.

What Is That Editor Doing to My Book!

You’ve connected with an editor. She/he is interested in publishing your book, but according to him/her it needs work. The editor makes suggestions, quite a few suggestions, and when you read them you’re offended. “What is that editor doing to my book!” You want your words exactly as you wrote them. In your opinion there’s little, if any, need for improvement. So, you decide to withdraw your manuscript. You’ll find an editor who’s willing to work with you. The truth is that probably won’t happen. An editor’s job is to make your writing even better and more marketable. That means providing you with criticism, even if the criticism seems harsh. New authors with big egos rarely place their work. Instead, they quit.

Marketing Takes Too Much Time.

Your book is published, either through a traditional publisher or you decided to publish it yourself. You’re not done. Now, you have to market your book and that often means marketing yourself. This means establishing a platform on social media and engaging with not only those who might buy your book but also with writers, editors and others in the publishing industry. Writers who engage successfully on social media ask for opinions, post cover reveals, and post updates on their writing progress. They sprinkle in fun things like showing off their writing space, their pets, even favorite recipes. They share good news, say thanks for good reviews, and they share posts from writers and readers. Some use Facebook Live and Instagram Live to engage. Others set up virtual events. . . Whew! That’s a lot of work isn’t it? It’s enough to make a writer want to quit. And some do. Older writers especially aren’t willing to tackle the ever-changing world of technology.

Should you quit? Yes, you should. If it’s not working you should quit your method or approach to writing. Have a serious conversation with yourself and decide if your passion is still there buried beneath all your reasons to quit. If you find it, then write. But if the passion is gone then it’s time to give up. Maybe you didn’t want to be a writer after all.

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